This week I gave an interview with Ella Rose Roussel, the founder and CEO of The Joy of Sunflowers: Sisterhood Through Infertility and Pregnancy Loss. It occurred to me, as I was preparing for the interview, that I have yet to share my story with you.
Perhaps I've been withholding my story because I was subconsciously still blocking the trauma from my memory. Maybe I have been neglecting to talk about my journey because I don't want to believe my truth; that these events happened and I'm still motherless. It's possible that I haven't shared my story because I'm afraid of looking like a failure. Who will take me seriously as a Health Coach - especially one specializing in pregnancy - when I have yet to have a successful pregnancy of my own? Or, maybe it's all of the above.
According to The Cleveland Clinic, one way to heal your trauma is to face it head-on, and to do so with kindness towards yourself. So, let's start at the beginning.
My husband Joe and I knew we wanted to start trying for a family right after getting married. As I wrote that last sentence I had a realization. Neither of us ever wanted to start a family right away. We both wanted time for ourselves as a newly married couple before we introduced children to the mix. We started trying for a family right away because I was worried about time and my age. Strike one.
To my pleasant and not-so-shocking surprise, I was pregnant within 5 months of trying. I say "not-so-shocking" for two reasons. For one, I knew I was pregnant well before I peed on a stick. And two, I was perhaps a bit overconfident that it would happen quickly for me. I was healthy and "ready" to become a mom. Of course it wouldn't take long for me to conceive!
However, I also had this underlying negative belief that I was going to have a miscarriage. I fell into the trap of knowing that it's more common than one might realize, and especially for a woman in my age bracket. I was setting myself up for a loss before it ever happened. Strike two.
Knowing I was pregnant brought a lot of different emotions. I was excited and overflowing with joy and love! But I also remember lying in our bed, my breasts so incredibly sore, thinking to myself, "What have I done?" I was barely pregnant and my breasts were so tender that it hurt to lie on my back. It then had me thinking about our lives. This baby is really going to change our lifestyle. Are we ready for this? I distinctly remember talking to myself that night in bed: "Well, it's too late now." Strike three.
A lot of women who have suffered pregnancy loss also tend to have some form or amount of guilt. For me, that guilt wasn't anything physical. It was my mindset. I truly believe that I willed our baby away.
Here's where the kindness towards myself comes in.
I have asked my spirit baby for forgiveness. I have forgiven myself. I have come to realize that I truly wasn't ready to become a mother at that time. I have only gained more wisdom, more self-love and acceptance, so that I can be the best version of myself and the best mother to my children. I am a beautiful work in progress, and I am proud of the woman I am becoming through the trauma I have experienced.
This is only the beginning of my fertility story. To hear more, please follow me on social media (IG: @ama-raquel) or sign up for my biweekly newsletter for more blog updates. You can also hear more about my story and other incredible women's journey by signing up for the free online event, The Joy of Sunflowers: Sisterhood Through Infertility and Pregnancy Loss. The event will be held May 6-8, 2023.