I felt I needed to take a pause from my fertility journey story to share what's been going on for me emotionally the last few weeks. I always try to be as authentic as possible, and this was the story my heart felt a calling to share.
Most days I have it together, but every now and then I get blindsided with grief, frustration, and even jealousy - which usually turns into anger towards myself for feeling that way in the first place.
It can be an ugly downward spiral.
Most times I think I'm too busy doing normal every day things that I forget about my challenges until I'm reminded of what I don't have.
The last few weeks were rough for me.
First, I found out that my mother decided to move out of state. You might be thinking, "Why would an almost 40-year-old woman be upset about this, and what does it have to do with her fertility?"
For starters, everyone always needs their mother. Secondly, I finally had my mother and sister in the same state. My family was together again, and I was selfishly looking forward to spending Sunday suppers together, or any random day together that wasn't a holiday.
Of course, I am extremely excited for my mother and her new endeavors. It makes me so happy to know that she has a life that she loves and enjoys! But I was also reminded of how small my family is. (And how we're not getting any younger.)
I felt really alone. My heart broke thinking about not having children for my mother to call grandchildren, for her to not be around to see them grow up.
Are those thoughts true? Of course not. But the mind can go down some dark paths if you let it.
Days after finding out about my mother's move, we found out that friends of ours were expecting with their first child. Again, over the moon exited for them! But it was just another slap in the face reminder that we're still not pregnant.
Sometimes I feel like Dumbo's mother at the beginning of the movie when she's watching the stork deliver babies to every animal around her. (But then I'm also reminded that she eventually gets her baby, too! Always a silver lining!)
It was another sense of feeling alone.
That weekend we were invited to a gender reveal party. Given all the news prior to that party, I almost chickened out and didn't go. I didn't trust my emotions. I felt weak. But I told myself that this wasn't about me. This was about their journey to becoming parents.
That mind shift made all the difference.
I showed up for our friends and I was so glad that I did! Instead of feeling sad, I felt really happy and hopeful. I was grateful and honored to share that joy with them.
Then it was Mother's Day weekend.
Honestly, I didn't think the day would have an impact on me. Especially not since before leaving work for the weekend, I had a new coworker ask me if I had children and my reaction wasn't sadness when I responded with, "Not yet."
She didn't know that my second due date would be in two weeks. And yet, I didn't feel my heart break. I felt calm. I felt hopeful. I felt at peace.
But as I was getting ready to post something on social media yesterday about my amazing mother, I saw this post:
"Take what you need today...
For the mom still waiting, you are not alone.
For the mom still grieving, you are loved.
For the mom still trying, you are brave."
I found myself being all of those mothers.
I broke down. I allowed myself to feel the sadness, the hurt, the longing. I allowed myself to feel proud for being brave.
I am not alone. I am loved. I am brave.
I am also grateful, hopeful, and determined to make my dream of having a family a reality.
I am patient. And I trust that what is meant for me will appear when I need it most.
So, to my fellow mamas, take what you need today and everyday.
You are not alone. You are loved. And you are most certainly brave.